So there's this huge flood one day, and an entire town looks like it's going to be swallowed up by the waters. And the Police and Rescue Agencies are running all over the place trying to get people to safety.

So they send the rescue boat over to this house where a guy's sitting on the roof with the water lapping around his ankles and they say "Come on, quickly, there isn't much time"

To which he says "Nah, it's ok, God will Provide"

So about an hour later they're zooming past in the boat again and they notice the guy's still there, only the water's up to his waist, almost at the top of the roof.. "Quick" they say, get in the boat, it's going to get worst before it gets better.

"Nah, don't worry - God will Provide"

An hour after that a rescue helicopter flies over the area and notices the guy, who must be standing on the peak of the roof now, with only his head and shoulders out of the water. "GRAB THE ROPE!" they cry "IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE!"

"Don't worry" he replies calmly "God will provide."

So he gets drowned of course. And he goes to heaven, and is a little ticked off with god for drowing him like that, and expresses his concern saying "I had FAITH, I BELIEVED in you - and still you didn't help me"

"HELP YOU?!" God replies "What MORE did you want - I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

___________________________________________________________________


So this guy's rollerblading down a mountain - which isn't a bloody intelligent thing to do for a start - when he sails off the edge of a cliff into the air. Just before he plummets to the ground, he manages to catch hold of the root of a tree which is hanging out of the cliff face.
So he's hanging there and isn't really sure what the hell he's going to do - his arms are getting tired, he can't hold on for much longer, there's no way to climb up, and no ledge to stand on - when he hears this voice calling to him.
"DAVE" the voice says - for that was his name, and I was going to mention it at the beginning of the joke, but forgot - "DAVE!"

Dave's a bit surprised, because he was sure that there was no-one else up the mountain with him. But he can hear this voice.. "Yes?" Dave says "Is someone up there?"

"YES" the voice replies "THERE IS"

"Help Me!" Dave cries, "I can't hold on much longer"

"I KNOW YOU CAN'T" the voice cries "THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, TO SAVE YOU."

"Do I know you?" Dave asks

"OF COURSE YOU DO" the voice says "IT'S ME, GOD!"

"God?"

"YES, AND I'VE COME TO SAVE YOU. YOU DO BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?"

"Oh yes God!" Dave replies "Now please throw down a rope"

"BUT I'M GOD. I DON'T NEED A ROPE TO SAVE YOU DAVE. YOU BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?"

"Of course I do" Dave replies.

"GOOD" says God. "NOW ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO LET GO OF THE ROOT, AND I'LL CATCH YOU AND BRING YOU BACK TO THE TOP OF THE CLIFF"

"Uhh.." says Dave

"YOU DO BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?" God asks

"Uhmmm, yes" says Dave

"THEN JUST LET GO, AND I'LL CATCH YOU"

So Dave thinks about this for a few seconds, then yells "IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE UP THERE?!?!"

___________________________________________________________________

So Dave's praying and he prays "God, I've been your loyal servant for all these years - why won't you let me win the lottery! I helped those homeless people, went to church every week for the last 10 years, even when I was sick. But still you don't let me win the lottery!"
And a voice from the Heavens comes down "Dave! Dave! Meet me halfway on this! Buy a bloody ticket!"

___________________________________________________________________

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grand children.

ROFLMFAO  

Sic....

buy a bloody ticket  
that was funny  

lol

I like that last one that is pretty good.

lol golden

Very good!!